My entire life, I’ve been going. I played sports all through high school, and one year in college. I followed that passoin and love for sports to a career that put me around athletics 24/7.
For the past 10 years, I’ve had many titles. Student, Athlete, Athletic Training Student Assistant, Athletic Training Student to Certified Athletic Trainer. This was my identifier. I was (am) good at talking injuries, interacting with athletes, and my colleagues who I would inevitably see more than I would see my own family. This title led me on a path that provided a lot of educational opportunities on the job and eventually led me to meet some of my very dear friends and, ultimately my husband.
It was easy talking about work. There was always an injury to mull over, answer the question about the grossest injury I’ve ever seen, practice times, game schedules and what shenanigans my coworkers and I would get in to. I have several memories of travel, life chats, program cancelations, and successes of athletes that made the job so enjoyable. I also have several memories that made the job not so enjoyable.
When we had Brooklyn, I had always been on the fence of deciding whether or not I would return to the collegiate setting. There’s the saying that they expect moms to “parent like they don’t have a job, and work like they don’t have kids”. That is exactly what athletic training would have been FOR ME. I’m not saying there aren’t people that don’t make it work but, when I looked at that tiny human I grew for 39 weeks, I didn’t want to miss a minute of her life. Obviously when she was diagnosed with cancer, there was no other option but to go from a full time athletic trainer working on an as needed basis to at least maintain employment with a local hospital to pick up some extra cash if I were able. My coworkers were amazing through all of this. After sticking by my side when Loren died, they were there every step of the way with Brooklyn’s diagnosis. The two older brothers I never had. These men became family. I mean if you celebrate at a wedding, grieve at a funeral, celebrate the birth of a baby and mourn the diagnosis…you’re the family I chose.
For a long time after Loren died, I was angry. I talked a little bit about this in another post but gosh, getting married and losing your sister 3 weeks later does something to a girl. I didn’t laugh often, I was quick to anger, no sense of humor and when people say the first year of marriage is the hardest…our life said “hold my beer”. It was like that for a long time and holding on to that anger made work miserable, which inevitably made me miserable to be around at home. Since stepping away from my job, I am the happiest I have ever been. I am more myself than I have been in the past two and a half, almost three years. Apparently, I was made to be a mom!
My new role being a stay at home mom is a full time job. I spend all day with this amazing tiny human who continues to blow my mind with her development. I see her progress and then BAM. Rndom mom guilt. It’s hard not to compare Brooklyn to other children her age. I have to continually remind myself that the other babies didn’t have three brain surgeries, two chemo access surgeries and aren’t going through chemotherapy at 10 months old. Some physical and cognitive delays were expected. With that being said, Brooklyn is indeed meeting milestones, just at her pace!
I don’t struggle staying home- sure there are times that it can be challenging or isolating, and there is the constant cycle of dishes, laundry, picking up the toys at the end of the day and the never ending game of the dogs wanting to go out- but I can honestly say, being a mom brings me genuine joy. I find I struggle in social settings now 🫠.
I don’t interact with many adults on a regular basis, other than the girls at the clinic- all of whom I adore. When I find myself in public, I think (and you can tell me if I’m wrong) I’m awkward! Part of that is because I literally don’t know what to talk about. There are no travel trips, no gruesome injuries, no practice schedules or game schedules to reevaluate. There is cancer treatment, Help me Grow appointments, baby Einstein, my obsession with my breast feeding shirts and co sleeping. Often I don’t know what’s too much information. I worry about making people uncomfortable because childhood cancer sucks and it isn’t widely discussed in everyday conversation. I am afraid or anxious to talk about it because I feel like it can be a morbid topic! I don’t have many hobbies, and the hobbies I do enjoy I can’t include Brooklyn because it involves kayaking, or throwing weight around in a gym and not the basement.
When I do run to the store, or show up at Ben’s meets I notice the occasional stare. I think staring used to make me uncomfortable because I wanted to tell everyone and their brother that Brooklyn had major brain surgery and is going through chemo. Obviously we know it’s not appropriate to yell in public for the masses to hear but I want people to know it’s okay to ask questions! I I would rather someone ask the question because it’s a teachable moment and that was a part of athletic training I LOVED. I did have a woman at Aldi approach me and ask about Brooklyn’s scars, and if they were from her head being fused when she was born. This woman had shared that her son was born with a fused skull and had never seen another baby with scars like her son’s until Brooklyn. I was so appreciative tht she asked and grateful for the opportunity to tell the story of Brooklyn’s scars.
My take away is that all parents go through a transition where they have one identy that no longer exists and the change can be weird! I know it has been for me and I’ll continue to adjust but it will take some time. I would love to hear your story about how your identity changed when you had your first baby, whether youre working, staying at home, working from home… Let me know! You’re not alone and sometimes hearing another story is just what we need!
Fearfully and Wonderfully Brave 